Dreams

My dreams are getting worse.

Last night I dreamt I was running. Running from something darker than my dreams would let me see. I’m being hunted by something. I can feel its dark presence getting ever closer. I run till my lungs scream for air; it pounces, knocking me to the ground.

That’s when I wake up. I don’t know if dreams have a meaning but this has been a recurring one for weeks now.

The crash was two months ago and all my injuries have healed up. There is still a scar on my leg from the nine stitches, where a piece of glass found itself penetrating my thigh. It catches the corner of my eye as I remove my sticky body from my damp sheets.

My covers have been kicked onto the floor – I’m guessing that happened at some point during my dream. I need to control these night terrors. “Stupid head,” I whisper to myself as I grab a towel and begin to wipe my sweaty body down.

I haven’t told anyone about my dreams, not even Alex. They’re already worried enough about my head.

I amble to the kitchen, climbing down my attic ladder. I need to quench my thirst from the amount of water lost last night.

I can hear my dad sighing as Tallulah refuses to eat her breakfast. Tallulah is his main focus at the moment as Alex is usually working and I tend to stay in my room. Alex will be at work by now. He was always good at painting but I never thought that he would do it as a career. Still I’m not one to judge, I have no idea what job I want to do in the future.

According to everyone else, our futures are set in stone. We will grow up, get a job, find a partner and have children. It doesn’t work that way for everyone. Now that I’m seventeen, I have already had the ‘talk’, although it wasn’t from Dad, it was from Alex. I couldn’t help but laugh. Let’s just say kids will not be in the picture for a long time neither will a husband – seventeen is too young. Alex can only say these things because he is twenty and is happily engaged to Octavia.

I hope Alex isn’t planning on having kids for a while. I can’t stand the idea of a vomiting, crying baby round the house. I stayed well clear of my family when my sister was first born. That’s probably the reason we’re not as close as her and Alex are. My sister is okay now that she’s seven, seven year olds don’t wet themselves quite as much.

My dad has done well raising us all by himself. All things considered, he really did love my mother, even through her dark days. I see a lot of my mother in my brother and sister. I see her smile when Alex smiles and I see her eyes in the deep blue pools that Tallulah blinks back at me – a beautiful deep blue like the lake I swim in. The only thing I got from her was my messed up head and my inevitable ending following hers.

After three mugs full of water, I decide to skip breakfast, which means not having to make awkward conversation with my dad and sister. I’ve decided to give myself the day off. I’ve learnt how to register my attendance in the school computers so I can take time off when I need to.

I stroll down to the lake that’s hidden away past a walk-way near our town hall. I go for a swim. The water is always so cooling it seems to sooth aches and pains you don’t even know are there. It’s so peaceful and quiet despite the city happening around it. I don’t know how nobody else mentions this place. People have blocked it out as it’s the only place left with colours other than blacks or greys or muted greens. Sometimes the reminder of what we’ve lost is too painful.

Next to the lake is the orchard. The orchard is a sea of blossom, beautiful and enchanting. I like to sit under the tree for hours doing nothing. I sometimes dose off and wake to find a blanket of blossom covering me. This place really strives in the spring and summer. It would be the idle place to live. If I could move here tomorrow, I would. I could never leave my family though.

I love my family very much. They’re all I have. I never really did the friend thing. I didn’t get on with other children my age. Most of my school days were spent in the hospital, which automatically put a marker on my head as a freak. There was only ever one person, I don’t know if I’d call him a friend, but he was the closest thing I had to one. During my hospital days I would see him in the children’s ward. We would talk over who had the most messed up brain. Every time I was admitted he would be there. But once I went in expecting to see him and he wasn’t there. The nurses told me things like, “he is in a better place,” and, “he’s now at peace.” Being a young child, I didn’t understand, but I now know how cruel this world can be.

After spending a lazy afternoon in the warmth of an autumn sun, I decide to head back. Alex is the only one who sees through me so I’m going to have to get better at lying if he asks whether I’ve been at school or not.

Walking back through our grey, dusty streets, I smell food cooking. It must be around five o’clock because that’s the time most families eat.

The smell of soup comes from our open window and I can see Alex cooking. The smell stirs up an empty feeling in my stomach. I am now regretting skipping breakfast.

I walk in and say my awkward hellos. No one questions where I have been today. Alex gives me a look with one of his eyebrows raised. All I can do is smile back. The smile comes across almost smug. Then there’s silence – there always is with my family. Maybe we’ve just run out of things to say.

“You missed breakfast this morning,” my dad says in an attempt to break the wall of silence.

“Yeah, I had some work to catch up on at school so I left a little early” I say. He seems to believe me. I glance over at Alex who clearly doesn’t by the bullshit I’m saying.

After inhaling my food, I head to my room. It’s always cold in my little attic room. Tallulah moved into mine when Mum started having funny turns in the night, which would disturb her. I don’t have anything personal in my room. I don’t really own anything personal, except my mother’s wedding ring on a chain around my neck. It stays with me, always! I smile as I look at it.

“You know you need to go to school at some point,” Alex’s voice says making me gasp. I didn’t realised he had followed me up here.

“You startled me,” I say avoiding eye contact with him.

“Sorry. But Alleyah, you need to be back at school. It’s not safe for you to be out on your own. Do you understand?”

“Alex…” I start.

“It’s for your own good, trust me! You’ll start back tomorrow. I’ll walk you there myself.”

I nod, shocked at how assertive he can be. He never uses my first name in a sentence unless it’s serious, like when our mother died. He was the one who had to tell me. Father made Alex into an adult far too early. I don’t think he’s been the same ever since.

“Okay,” I say.

“Good,” he says giving a small smile. “Get some sleep,” he kisses me on the forehead and climbs down the attic stairs. He has never cared about me being out on my own before. He has never even been that bothered about me bunking off school, so why the sudden interest?

“Get some sleep.” Those words ring in my ears as I slip into my sleeping t-shirt and shorts. I won’t be able to sleep knowing my night terror will come, like a moth to a flame. I brush my teeth in the small sink in the corner of my room then step into my cold bed feeling every inch of my body shiver. I shut my eyes hoping my mind will switch off. It doesn’t.

It feels like hours since Alex said goodnight. I decide to get up. Maybe walking around will help me sleep. I creep down my attic stairs hoping not to wake anyone. I open the front door and breathe in the dusty air. It’s so quiet. They have very strict rules in our city about when, “silence must fall”. No one is allowed out of their home after ten thirty at night. There are rumours that they have patrols checking everyone is asleep or at least pretending to be asleep. I have never seen any though. I don’t know why they’re so strict about it.

Forget the rules! What’s my punishment going to be for walking around my own city? I slip on my shoes and quietly close the door behind me. It’s warmer outside then in my little attic room. Everywhere is so quiet and dark, almost peaceful until you see the state of our city. As I breathe in the thick air I get a shudder down my spine. I get the feeling someone is watching me. I ignore the feeling and carry on towards the path which leads to the orchard. The wind is picking up around me. I feel the breeze on the back of my neck, cooling me down. My breathing is getting more and more unsteady as I can still feel eyes on me.

I look round expecting to meet face to face with a patrol guard. But there is no one there that I see. My head is becoming clouded. The wind is getting stronger around me making my hair twist round my face. Is my head playing up again? Will this mean another trip to the hospital?

I carry on walking not knowing why. Now my vision is becoming blurred and everything starts merging into one. Trees become houses and houses become part of their surroundings. My breathing becoming more and more panicked.  I start to run, hoping I will leave the eyes and my messed-up head behind. Running like this reminds me of my dream where I am running from something too dark for me to see.

Pressure builds up in my head and I feel the weight beneath my feet drop. I hit the ground with a thud making my left side ache. I hear the silence again instead of howling wind. I stare up at the sky seeing stars trying to shine through the clouds. Some people would say they are beautiful, but I see them as what they really are – pieces of a dying sun, millions of miles away. I close my eyes hoping the dizziness will pass and the nauseous feeling in my stomach will leave with it.

I don’t know how long my eyes have been closed when I feel warm, strong hands wrap around my legs and back. I open my eyes to a blur. The street that I walked down is disappearing into the distance and I can see my house up ahead. I shut my eyes tight hoping that when I open them the blurriness will have gone away.

I open my eyes to the inside of my home, the blurriness now gone. I’ve been put on a chair and I hear the tap running. I look round and see Alex getting a glass of water. He walks over and hands it too me.

“You’re going to have to stop following me!” I snap. I don’t even look into his eyes.

“Are you alright?” he says so gently, it’s hard to stay mad at him.

“What?” I reply, my voice now raised in frustration. I don’t want to fight with him but I am pissed off that he feels the need to follow me everywhere.

“It looked like you were having a funny turn. You looked a bit out of it.”

“I was panicking because I thought somebody was following me,” I sigh. There is silence for a bit as I stare into his innocent eyes looking for answers. The only sound is my deep breathing.

“Alleyah, what were you thinking going out at that time? You know how strict the rules are.” And there we have it, the full name again.

“Alex, I’m seventeen. I don’t need a bedtime or a curfew,” I say, now becoming even more agitated. “Why do you even care all of a sudden? We had a thing were we don’t ask questions about each other’s lives and it worked. Why are you suddenly treating me like a child?” He looks hurt, like someone just punched him in the gut.

“And what would have happened to you if I wasn’t there?” His voice is still so gentle and controlled. “I’m sorry I panicked you but since the crash I would rather have you alive. Is that okay?”

I don’t intend to answer those last questions. I steady my voice “Alex what’s going on? There’s something you’re not telling me.”

His face goes hard and sour. “Nothing, Alleyah just go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” I’m not even going to bother reasoning with him. Something’s changed with him. It hasn’t been since the crash. He has been fine for the past couple of months. It’s just been these past two weeks that he’s been different. I can’t think of anything that has happened since then.

I walk past him with my eyes fixed on my attic stairs ahead. I climb up them having a moment of dizziness but it passes.

“Oh and Alleyah…” he says. “Don’t wonder off again!”

I don’t reply I just carry on climbing my stairs.

I climb back into bed waiting for my inevitable nightmare to take over. And of course it does.

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Read Chapter Two – Weathered